A few years ago, my then-ten-year-old granddaughter told me, ‘My PE teacher said something sexist today.’ I asked her what had happened. She told me that he was supervising the class doing pushups. First, he modeled the standard pushup (plank style). Then he said, ‘Now girls, if that’s too hard for you, you can use your knees.’ Then he modeled the knee pushup. Was that comment intended as deliberately demeaning? My guess is no. Was it overtly sexist? Again, probably not intentionally. But my granddaughter got an unmistakable message about what this teacher expected of girls. I asked her, ‘What do you think he could have said?’ She thought about it for a minute and told me he could have said that if anyone was having trouble with the standard pushups, they could use the knee pushups. That’s what I thought, too. She also made the well-taken point that if he had said anyone could use the knee pushup, it would also have been a lot easier on the boys, since some of them struggled with pushups.

My granddaughter picked up that message at the age of ten and understood it for what it was, even if that’s not what the teacher intended. And the fact is, children pick up messages about what girls and boys should(n’t) do from a much younger age than that. They absorb those messages and begin to believe them. Then, later, they believe it when guidance counselors suggest, for instance, that a girl not pursue a degree in astrophysics, or a boy not pursue a degree in primary school education. Young women tolerate it when someone else interrupts them during a business meeting to tell the group ‘what she meant to say.’ Young men are told to ‘tough it out’ during hard times and episodes of depression and believe they’re weak when they don’t. And so it goes through life.

Those messages become so ingrained that many people don’t think to question them. And input from those who do is not always kindly received. So, girls grow up with assumptions that limit them. So do boys, if you think about it. All of this comes in part from those seemingly innocuous messages that people get as little children. Children listen to what those around them say, and they do pick up on the assumptions that underlie what they hear. It may be subconscious, but it happens.

Are those messages the reason that there’s still sexism in society – sometimes quite blatant sexism? Well, not entirely; sexism is a lot more complex than that and deserves more than a simplistic response. But it arguably does all start with what children see and hear and experience. It starts, too, with what is assumed about them and expected of them. And that means it starts with the messages we send, and what that says about our assumptions.

On this International Women’s Day, I invite you to pay attention to what teachers and other adults in children’s lives say and do. What messages does all of that send? If you look closely, you’ll see that those messages are sometimes quite loaded. I also invite you to think about your own assumptions. What were you led to believe about yourself? What do you want your (grand)children to believe about girls’ and boys’ capabilities? Finally, I invite you to engage with the young people in your life. When you’re watching TV, talking to them after school, and so on, I invite you to listen closely. Teach them to question things they hear, read, and see. Help them develop a strong sense of self that isn’t bound by rigid, traditional assumptions about gender. To me, that can be a powerful and important way to support gender equity. My granddaughter and her generation need our support to become their best selves.

*NOTE: The title of this post is a line from Billy Joel’s Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel).