A few years ago, my then-ten-year-old granddaughter told me, ‘My PE teacher said something sexist today.’ I asked her what had happened. She told me that he was supervising the class doing pushups. First, he modeled the standard pushup (plank style). Then he said, ‘Now girls, if that’s too hard for you, you can use your knees.’ Then he modeled the knee pushup. Was that comment intended as deliberately demeaning? My guess is no. Was it overtly sexist? Again, probably not intentionally. But my granddaughter got an unmistakable message about what this teacher expected of girls. I asked her, ‘What do you think he could have said?’ She thought about it for a minute and told me he could have said that if anyone was having trouble with the standard pushups, they could use the knee pushups. That’s what I thought, too. She also made the well-taken point that if he had said anyone could use the knee pushup, it would also have been a lot easier on the boys, since some of them struggled with pushups.
My granddaughter picked up that message at the age of ten and understood it for what it was, even if that’s not what the teacher intended. And the fact is, children pick up messages about what girls and boys should(n’t) do from a much younger age than that. They absorb those messages and begin to believe them. Then, later, they believe it when guidance counselors suggest, for instance, that a girl not pursue a degree in astrophysics, or a boy not pursue a degree in primary school education. Young women tolerate it when someone else interrupts them during a business meeting to tell the group ‘what she meant to say.’ Young men are told to ‘tough it out’ during hard times and episodes of depression and believe they’re weak when they don’t. And so it goes through life.
Those messages become so ingrained that many people don’t think to question them. And input from those who do is not always kindly received. So, girls grow up with assumptions that limit them. So do boys, if you think about it. All of this comes in part from those seemingly innocuous messages that people get as little children. Children listen to what those around them say, and they do pick up on the assumptions that underlie what they hear. It may be subconscious, but it happens.
Are those messages the reason that there’s still sexism in society – sometimes quite blatant sexism? Well, not entirely; sexism is a lot more complex than that and deserves more than a simplistic response. But it arguably does all start with what children see and hear and experience. It starts, too, with what is assumed about them and expected of them. And that means it starts with the messages we send, and what that says about our assumptions.
On this International Women’s Day, I invite you to pay attention to what teachers and other adults in children’s lives say and do. What messages does all of that send? If you look closely, you’ll see that those messages are sometimes quite loaded. I also invite you to think about your own assumptions. What were you led to believe about yourself? What do you want your (grand)children to believe about girls’ and boys’ capabilities? Finally, I invite you to engage with the young people in your life. When you’re watching TV, talking to them after school, and so on, I invite you to listen closely. Teach them to question things they hear, read, and see. Help them develop a strong sense of self that isn’t bound by rigid, traditional assumptions about gender. To me, that can be a powerful and important way to support gender equity. My granddaughter and her generation need our support to become their best selves.
*NOTE: The title of this post is a line from Billy Joel’s Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel).
Crime Writer Margot Kinberg 
Oh, that is bang on Margot! Thanks so much for putting it so well! And Happy International Women’s Day!
LikeLike
Thank you, Kelly! I’m so glad you thought this worked! And Happy International Women’s Day to you, too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spot on Margot – we need to break down these assumptions that one gender has to behave one way, and the other in the opposite. The message your granddaughter got was wrong, and it’s great that she recognised that. Happy IWD!
LikeLike
Thank you, KBR, and Happy IWD to you, too! You’re so right about those messages. The more kids get them, the more they feel bound by rigid gender constructs that help no-one. I was really proud of my granddaughter for understanding the message she was getting – and rejecting it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very good post, Margot, and inspiring. Sometimes in the current political environment I despair that women are not being treated any better than when when I was in my twenties. Such messages can make a difference.
LikeLike
Sometimes I feel like it’s an uphill battle too, Tracy. This is why, in my opinion, we have to keep talking about equity and working towards it. And in my opinion, it needs to start with what our children learn from the messages we send. It can be very difficult, but it’s necessary. Thanks for the kind words.
LikeLike
Well said, Margot. ❤
LikeLike
Thank you, Carol!
LikeLike
I think a lot of women could write a book on their thoughts and experiences on being a female in a man’s world. My husband’s a sweetheart but he just doesn’t understand why I pick fault with things I see on TV. Silly things like several years ago the BBC’s 24hr news channel had a continuity/trailer thing showing a lot of their newsreaders and news corresspondents. Nine men, two women. I don’t often do such things but I went on to Twitter and complained about it, a few weeks later and it was changed, fifty-fifty all of a sudden. I’m sure it wasn’t me but sometimes you just have to speak up. And it wasn’t as if they don’t ‘have’ women on the news programmes, they were just not bothering to show them! Which almost feels worse than not having them in the first place. Like Tracy I feel we’re not much better off than when I was a young woman. And this is underlined by the number of police assault and murder cases against young women we’re seeing in the UK at the moment. An excellent essay, Margot.
LikeLike
Thanks for the kind words, Cath, and I know exactly what you mean. My husband is a good person, and he supports equity. But he looks at the world from a position of male privilege. He’s never had to cope with the challenges women face in navigating a man’s world. He does listen to my comments about things on TV and so on, and he’s supportive, but still… I’m glad you complained on Twitter – doesn’t matter whether it was your tweet or a bunch of them, but you spoke up and that helped get results. And it’s things like that that hopefully will change the messages that young people get about gender roles and expectations. As you say, we have a long way to go.
LikeLike
Yes, things have undoubtedly changed out of all recognition in my lifetime, but there’s still a long way to go. It is tricky, because there are areas where biological differences do shape our physical abilities and we have to recognise that, but we have to find a way to do so that doesn’t imply that one ability is intrinsically more valuable than another since that’s where a lot of unintentional sexism originates, I think. Your granddaughter got it right – it’s the implication that all boys are strong and all girls are weak that is sexist, or that the way strong people can do a thing is the ‘right’ way and anything else is a sort of concession to those who are lesser beings. However, as you say, a lot of comments that can be seen as sexist are entirely unintentional, and I feel we have to be careful not to be constantly condemning people for a careless use of words rather than their intentions. We just had a hoohah over a football manager who finished an interview with a female sports journalist with the words “good girl”. Outrage ensued, until it was noted that he always finishes interviews with male journalists with the words “good lad”. One outraged (male) journalist piously hoped that girls would not be put off becoming journalists because of the manager’s ‘sexism’. My feeling was that to suggest that girls and women are so weak as to give up a whole career for fear some middle-aged bloke might call us a girl one day was considerably more sexist than the original comment!
LikeLike
You make a very well-taken point here, FictionFan. It’s the intent and the assumptions that lie beneath it that perpetuate sexism. The implication that one sex and one way of doing things is inherently better is the problem: not whether one does pushups from knees or toes. That’s why, for instance, I’ve never liked the expression ‘Be a man about it.’ It’s not so much the words as it is the implication that men are more mature that’s the problem. That said, I do think people need to consider the messages that their words send. But therein lies another issue that I’m glad you raised. People say things (like that football manager) that are not at all intended as sexist but that others may see as sexist. People have said things like, ‘Good girl,’ and ‘Clever girl’ to me and I knew for a fact those comments weren’t meant as diminutives. This is why it’s important to consider the assumptions behind what people say. Sometimes they are suspect, and sometimes not. That’s part of what complicates the whole issue of equity, really. What, exactly, ‘counts’ as sexism? We can all give extreme examples, but the more subtle ones are harder. And that’s where intent comes in, and that’s why we need to think about what’s behind what we say, in my opinion.
LikeLiked by 1 person