Crime Writer Margot Kinberg

Right now, I’m working on a new Patricia Stanley novel. I’m not very far into it yet, but it’s starting to take shape. Now, my thinking is that authors can always use helpful input on their stories. As I thought about who could be of assistance, I had an idea. Why not ask some of the most famous fictional sleuths for their ideas?  They’ve ‘starred’ in many excellent novels, so they would know what works for a fine story, wouldn’t they? So, I invited a few of them to go over my story with me and make sure it’s going to work.

Me: Thanks, everyone, for coming over. (Gesturing towards a side table) Please, help yourself to some snacks and a drink.
Hercule Poirot (Agatha Christie) (Looking disdainfully at the food on the side table): Merci, but I must prepare myself for le dîner. Eating now would lessen the experience.

While the others are getting plates and drinks, I’m passing out copies of my ideas for a storyline and characters, and copies of the first two chapters. Once people have their snacks and drinks, they sit down at the table. There is silence for a while, as my guests riffle through the pages and make notes.

Andy Dalziel (Reginald Hill): There’s no sex scenes here. Does that come later in the book? (He eats while he’s waiting for my answer).
Me: I’m not planning any sex scenes. Maybe a reference to sex, but not a full-on scene.
Dalziel (Swallows): That’s daft, that is. Ye can’t have a book without a sex scene. And ye have your coppers eating sandwiches and drinking – (He looks down at the papers in front of him) water. What kind of lunch is that for a hard-working copper?
Me: Oh, my main character does go out for a beer sometimes. (Dalziel shakes his head and rolls his eyes while muttering something under his breath. He goes back to reading)
Poirot: The good Superintendent Dalziel, he has a point about food. I have seen no signs of a proper dinner here. Should Mlle. Stanley not go out to a good restaurant at least sometimes?
Nero Wolfe (Rex Stout): Flummery! A good chef is what she needs. (He looks up at me.). Does she have a chef?
Me: Well, no, but –
Wolfe: And it’s inconceivable that there’s be a female police officer. It’s utterly fantastical, to say nothing of the way it stretches credibility! (He looks over at the food table, unimpressed, harrumphs, and goes back to reading).
V.I. Warshawski (Sara Paretsky): (Flashes a glare at Wolfe): Who says a woman can’t be a cop. Or a PI. I kind of like this Patricia Stanley.
Me: Thank you.
Wolfe: Pfui!!

Sherlock Holmes (Arthur Conan Doyle): Let us discuss the facts of this case. (He glances down at the notes in front of him). Here is a man who has been bludgeoned in his own shop. I see no sign of the police checking the store for shoe prints, cigarette ash, or other evidence. Of course, one cannot expect the police to keep those things in mind. (Dalziel glares at Holmes, who stares back at him briefly). Nevertheless, I would put it to you that these things must be considered.
Mma Precious Ramotswe (Alexander McCall Smith) (Smiles at both Dalziel and Holmes): There is no need for contention here. We have all come to help this fine lady write her book. We all have different ideas and good advice. Let us focus on that, and not let disagreements get in the way.
Me (Shooting a grateful look at Mma Ramotswe): Thank you for bringing up evidence. There’s not a lot about what the evidence shows in the first two chapters, but it is there in the book plan.

Armand Gamache (Louise Penny): Your Patricia Stanley seems to have a good working relationship with her boss and her police partner.
Me: I’m glad you noticed that. I think that works for the story.
Gamache: (Takes a sip of his drink) In my experience, it’s important to be very careful about fellow police. Any one of them could betray you. If you want to make this really accurate, you ought to put something in about that.
Salvo Montalbano (Andrea Camilleri): No, no, no! My team and I would never betray each other. (He looks at me) You leave this like it is. Just make sure you put in some good trattorias. How else will these people eat?
Kinsey Millhone (Sue Grafton): Again with the food? Now, look. Food is not that important. That’s why they have drive-through windows at fast food places.

Flavia de Luce  (Alan Bradley) (Swallows what she’s eating, takes a sip of her drink, and speaks up): Food is all very fine, but you have no young people in this story. Trust me, we see things and we know what’s what. You need to put at least one child in your story.

At that comment everyone starts to talk at the same time.

Me (Beginning to get a bit bewildered): Wait, wait, everyone, please! (The voices quiet). I keep getting different advice, and now I’m not sure what to do! I should add in more meals. I shouldn’t worry about food. I should include a lot of physical evidence. I should have untrustworthy colleagues.
Flavia: And don’t forget the children!
Dalziel: And some smut!
Me: There’s so much here that I don’t know how to put it into any good order!

(The sleuths look around the table at each other.)
Poirot (After a moment of silence): But madame, you invited us.

I think I may live to regret that decision…