Crime Writer Margot Kinberg

Ah, Las Vegas! It’s an action-packed place with lots to do, even if you’re not the type to play casino games. There’s world-class food, there are comedy clubs, there are plenty of shows, and lots more. It’s no wonder that so many groups have their conferences and conventions in ‘Sin City.’ It’s all got me thinking…. What if some of our famous fictional sleuths went to Las Vegas for a criminal investigation conference? What would it be like for them? If you’ll invite your disbelief to try the slot machines, let’s take a look at what happens….

When Sleuths go to Las Vegas

I    Hercule Poirot (Agatha Christie)

Poirot and his valet Georges are settling into their room.

Poirot: Georges, what time is my first session tomorrow?

Georges:  At nine-o’clock, sir.  And then your keynote address is at noon. The other plenary address is at four o’clock. I think your charcoal grey suit, sir, with the –

Poirot: Merci, Georges. Those are good times for speeches. I will not need to disarrange my meal plans.

Georges: Meal plans, sir?

Poirot: Mais oui. What is the point of visiting a place without eating in its finest restaurants? I have heard that the Eiffel Tower Restaurant is a good one, and so is Mon Ami Gabi. Would you kindly make arrangements for me to lunch at Mon Ami Gabi, and then dine at the Eiffel Tower?

Georges: But sir, the conference provides luncheon, and there is the conference banquet.

Poirot: (Looks askance) Georges! What they serve at conferences is not food. It is not fit for humans. I will not ruin mon estomac on conference meals!

II     Archie Goodwin (Rex Stout)

Archie looks around his hotel room. As he starts to unpack, there’s a knock at the door. Archie opens it.

Staff Member: I’ve brought you the extra pillows you asked for.

Archie: Thanks. (Takes the pillows and puts them on the bed).

Staff Member: Do you mind if I ask – are you Mr. Nero Wolfe?

Archie: Nah, that’s my boss.

Staff Member: And he didn’t come along? He was supposed to be here. I checked the agenda.

Archie: You kidding? He doesn’t go anywhere. I’m going stag this weekend. Which reminds me. (Archie pulls out his wallet). I’m hoping to go to a show or two, maybe meet a showgirl. You know a place where there are good drinks and dancing?

Staff Member: (Looks eagerly at Archie’s wallet) I might know a place or two…

Archie: (Hands some money to the staff member) Where’s a good place?

The staff member tucks the money into his pocket and picks up the notepad and pen on the hotel desk. He writes down the names of a few places and hands the paper to Archie.

Staff Member: Tell ‘em Eddie sent you and you’ll get primo treatment.

Archie: Thanks, pal.

After the staff member leaves, Archie takes his shoes off and flops on his back on the bed. Ah, the joys of taking a solo trip…

 

III     Lisbeth Salander (Stieg Larsson)

Lisbeth has just finished checking in at the hotel’s kiosk. She looks up as a desk clerk approaches her.

Clerk: Here for the conference?

Lisbeth: Yes, I’ve just checked in.

Clerk: Great! You’ll have a wonderful time here. We’ve got great restaurants, a comedy club, a spa, and a gym with the latest equipment. And the casino is fantastic. That’s why everybody comes to Vegas, right?

Lisbeth: Thank you.

Clerk: Oh, and you’ll want to stop at our concierge desk. You can sign up for day trips, check out the big shows in town, and – let me see – do you like shopping?

Lisbeth: Not really.

Clerk: No problem. I’m sure you’ll find lots that you will love. Do you have any questions?

Lisbeth: Actually, yes. How strong is your WiFi connection?

Clerk: Oh, it’s a good connection. But, haha, you probably won’t be online all that much. This is a busy, exciting place!

Lisbeth: And do you have room service?

Clerk: Yes, we do, but it’s so much more fun to try all the restaurants!

Lisbeth nods her thanks, picks up her luggage, and walks off towards the elevators.

Clerk: (In an uncertain tone) Have a wonderful stay…

IV     Andy Dalziel (Reginald Hill)

Dalziel and Peter Pascoe are browsing through their conference folders.

Pascoe: So, the last talk ends at five o’clock.

Dalziel: Aye, just in time for a pint. Then a bit of dinner.

Pascoe: They’ve got a nice list of restaurants here. We could try one of them.

Dalziel: (After glancing at the list) These are all posh places. You can’t get real food at a place like that.

Pascoe: (Getting a bit irritated) Well, then, where would you suggest?

Dalziel: Mate of mine was here last year. Said the Aztec Inn’s good.

Pascoe: (Looks up the bar on his phone) That’s a dive bar! Why would we go there when there are much nicer places?

Dalziel: Aye, that’s what me mate said. It’s a dive bar. It’s got cheap beer and real food. There’s a casino, too.

Pascoe: (Aware that he’s not going to win this argument) Fine. But let’s go to a nice show afterwards.

Dalziel: Not a bad idea, lad. There’s lots of nudie shows in Las Vegas. We’ll be able to find a good one.

Pascoe: (Sighs) Why don’t you take in the bar and show? I think I’ll eat here in the hotel…

V    Joseph Spector (Tom Mead)

Spector approaches the concierge desk.

Concierge: May I help you?

Spector: Yes, thank you. I’m here for a conference, and I hope to see a good magic show during my stay.

Concierge: You’re in luck. We’ve got several options. Penn and Teller always have an excellent show over at the Rio – highly recommended. And then there’s David Copperfield and Criss Angel. Would you like some brochures? (He reaches under the counter, but there are no brochures.)

Spector:  (Holds up the brochures). No, thank you. I have them.

Concierge: (A bit mystified) Will there be anything else?

Spector: No thank you.

The concierge glances down and then up again, by which time Spector has disappeared. Shaking his head, the concierge looks around but doesn’t see Spector walking away. Blinking a few times, he turns his attention to the next guest.

 

VI     Ruth Galloway (Elly Griffiths)

Ruth and Cathbad have settled into their hotel rooms, and are finishing lunch at one of the hotel restaurants.

Cathbad: The talks don’t start until tomorrow. What should we do today?

Ruth: The Tule Springs Fossil Beds aren’t too far away. We could go there.

Cathbad: All right. It’s better than this horrible commercial stuff on the Las Vegas Strip.

Ruth: (Looking around at all the people) It’s awfully crowded here, too. I wonder if it’s always this way.

Cathbad: Probably is. (He doesn’t seem to notice that a few people are looking at him strangely as they go by).

Just then, a large group of tourists surges towards the restaurant, and everyone starts jostling for a place in line.

Ruth: (Quietly) Let’s leave before it gets too bad.

Cathbad: Good idea.

As Ruth and Cathbad leave the restaurant, a few tourists see them. One of them approaches Cathbad.

Tourist: You’ve got the best costume I’ve seen here! That cape! It’s amazing! Can I take your picture?

Before Cathbad can answer, the tourist has taken a photo. Cathbad and Ruth hurry away.

Cathbad: What if we skip the talks entirely? I mean, except for yours.

Ruth: (Looking around at all the foot traffic) That might not be such a bad idea…

Care to add any of your own?